Living Single...

...can be incredibly interesting, but it's mostly boring. I love it though. I seriously love being single. I love being alone. It's not without its trials or annoyances in this couple-oriented world, but I've never been this consistently happy day after day. I love being in control of all aspects of my life and not having to answer or explain anything to anyone except those I choose. I just enjoy being me. I genuinely like who I am. I'm quite aware of my many flaws and faults but they're not nearly as troubling or overwhelming without anyone around to continually remind me of them.

I can't say that I necessarily love dating. I have dated. It's mostly the same as it was way back when other than it's harder to meet people and it involves copious amounts of texting. The biggest change for me is I don't really care if I'm liked or not. Before being divorced, I would care if a guy liked me even if I wasn't interested. Now even if I'm interested, I'm not at all bothered if the guy isn't. It actually makes more sense to me when there is a lack of interest. I get that. I don't always get why someone is interested in me. I'm working on not being quite so suspicious of men who are interested in me. I've come to terms with the fact that liking me does not make one crazy (though I'm sure there are many who would disagree). For a while, anytime I was complimented by a man, no matter his status, I attributed the compliment to either he was making fun of me or he pitied me. I sometimes still think that way.

I half-joke, but I'm half-serious that I'm dead inside. I hope that I'm not actually dead inside, that it's just a matter of the right spark to get me to care and want more. It's just so much easier to imagine my life with me never getting married again. It's so easy to imagine me being happy with that as well. I get the feeling though, that a lot of people just don't buy that. Some of my dear family and friends seem so eager for me to find someone, I think mostly because they think that will mean I'm really alright and I'll really be happy. I just don't feel like there is some great void by being single. I grew so accustomed to doing things on my own during my marriage and even more so over the last year, it would be a major adjustment to involve someone else in my life. It's just not that appealing to me now.

What I struggle with is that I'm not sure if me being single is what God wants for me or has planned for me. So I remain open to the possibility that I may be 'blessed' that way, but I live and plan my life as if I won't. I put myself out there as much as I can, but my heart's not all that into it. I have friends who were divorced and remarried within the year and it blows my mind. Many made that prediction for me. I wish I could say that I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not!

I feel so happy and blessed with my life now, it's hard to want much more. I have such great family and friends who I really love and enjoy. Being a mother to Gabby can be challenging, but it's so fulfilling. She is so full of love and affection. I'm so fortunate to have a good job to meet our needs and many of our wants. So for me, living single has been fantastic!