I haven’t mentioned anything about the status of my marriage since separating from Nick but I’m putting it out there: I will soon be divorced (it should be final in the next week or so). It may be cliché, but the past 6 months have been the best of times and the worst of times. My life is certainly not turning out how I hoped nor planned. I feel hopeful and optimistic about my life but in a completely new way. I am optimistic (and determined) that I will continue to be happy, but my happiness has so little to do with “dreams” and life going as I hope and plan. I continually marvel at the miracle that has taken place in my heart, that I can honestly feel grateful for my trials and struggles. There is so little room left for anger when gratitude takes root. I’m just so glad for how my life is now, I’m mostly over how it was. I marvel at how many times and ways a heart can be broken, but it’s being mended in what I hope is a proper and healthy way.
There have been some amazing things resulting from starting this new chapter in my life. I’ve learned so much about the worth of a true friend. I never knew I had so many or just how amazing they are. I still find it a bit baffling when others want to help me and are genuinely kind to me. It’s still taking some getting to used to, but I’m getting more comfortable in being a recipient of kindness. Telling people that I’m getting divorced can be scary, not knowing what sort of reaction will come, but my family and friends have reacted with such complete and unquestioning love, understanding, and acceptance. I thought I’d feel like I was wearing a Scarlet D, but I that hasn’t been the case in any situation. My parents and each of my siblings offered their homes to me and anything that I needed; I knew I only had to ask. So many of my friends offered the same and everyone has always been willing to listen or ready with kind and supportive words.
I’ve discovered another best friend in my sister Jennifer. Of the 4 sisters, we were the least close. I would have been so lost (and homeless) if it weren’t for Jenny. She can witness to what a wreck I was, but she never treated me like I was one. It’s wonderfully calming to be treated normally when everything in your life is in utter chaos. It’s incredibly healing to be treated as if your whole spectrum of feelings are normal and to be with those who allow you to feel and express them without judgment or condemnation. Jen and David were so instrumental in helping me just feel normal and rational. David didn’t even flinch the time he found me lying on the kitchen floor at 4am (that’s a funny story if any of you are ever interested in hearing it).
When I was 12, I went to a Daddy/Daughter activity at church. The last activity of the day was an obstacle course for the girls to walk through blindfolded. We were given no instructions before being taken into the gym. As soon as I walked in, a person was right next to me giving me directions and telling me not to listen to anyone else. I could hear my dad shouting directions as well and there was a moment of confusion trying to figure out who should guide me. My Dad then said, “Trish, just stop and listen only to me.” I focused on his voice and went through the course without any problems and the other person eventually gave up on turning me in the wrong direction and persuading me to disregard my dad.
That’s the best way I know to describe my experience going through this. I was suddenly thrust into a completely new and scary situation having no clue as to what obstacles were before me or even the direction I should go. I realized I needed to stop and find the voice of my Heavenly Father go by His direction and ignore the rest. I’ve felt so guided and protected throughout this. I’ve felt an enduring peace that can only come from my Savior. I have no idea what my future holds but I have complete trust in my God to continue to lead me to those things which will bring me joy and to grant me comfort through the things that break my heart. I absolutely know that Christ’s hand is continually stretched forth waiting for me to accept His love and mercy and be led by Him. I’ve been completely overwhelmed and humbled by how much understanding I’ve been granted and an overall feeling of purpose to everything good and bad. I look forward to discovering more of what that purpose entails.
It’s surprisingly refreshing to be honest about the state of my life for a change. I spent so much time and energy acting a part, trying so hard to be that part and always failing. So here I am, having failed in my marriage and having been as low, miserable, and hopeless as a person can get and starting all over again. I’m still keenly aware of all my faults and failings, but I’ve been blessed to now associate with those who make me aware of my strengths and successes. I feel like I’m me again and I’m genuinely happy. Ironically, my marriage helped prepare me for being a single mother. I was quite accustomed to doing everything on my own save a couple of things. Now, I still do everything, but without being berated or criticized and it’s blissfully liberating and even enjoyable. I don’t even feel as though I really have any burdens placed upon me because I no longer feel so alone.
I really don’t have any expectations of what my life will bring. I’m so grateful to be a mother and plan to be the best mother I can to Gabby. She brings so much joy and fulfillment to my life. She’s the most amazing person I’ve even known! It’s different having to be suddenly career-minded, but I’m kind of excited about that, too. Everyone has been most complimentary about what they think my future will hold in the way of dating and getting remarried. I have my own thoughts on that, but I’m at least open to the idea now. To the idea of dating anyway. Maybe. I don’t think it’s anything I’ll have to deal with or worry about for a while, tucked away as I am in my peacefully busy life.
I plan on staying in Utah for the time being. It’s the right place for me and Gabby presently, but I’m definitely open to moving closer to home with the right opportunity. I’ve been asked about this frequently, I am keeping the name Greenwood. I would go back to being Trish DeVaux (that’s who I feel I am again), but I think it’s good that Gabby and I share the same last name. So there it is!
Posts
